BAND-AIDS

I'm going to go about in this e-mail kind of like ripping off a Band-Aid. I'm going to just give you the worst news (rip off the band-aid) and then fill in the rest of the e-mail with salve to help heal the wound. :)

W-- does not want to meet with us anymore. I called him on the phone last night, because we haven't seen him in a wee while and were just checking up on him. He told me that he is not feeling good. He is so sick. He can't walk around at all. He told me that he thinks he will die soon and then worry about religion after that. I listened with tears streaming down my face. It broke my heart to see my golden boy choose to stop learning about the gospel. I really wanted him to make the covenants that would make him happier. I wanted to see him change through living the Word of Wisdom. I really care about him, and I am so sad for the choice he is making. But I do think we were meant to plant a seed that can perhaps be reaped in the Spirit World. I just wanted to see the harvest here :(

But right after that we went chapping in a place a bit further than Linlithgow. Even though we were rejected everywhere we went, I felt an odd sense of peace. I know that wasn't coming from me, because inside I was in shambles. I was sad about W--. I was very homesick and wanted to take a nap. I'm a bit sick and I wasn't feeling good. BUT. I could feel God's peace inside me so tangibly. I know it was a spiritual gift. I know God was looking down, blessing me with comfort when nothing around me was comforting me. God is real. He knows us. He knew the struggles I was facing and the feelings I had. And He blessed me.

Elder Howie is gone and Elder Wightman is here. He is from Rexburg, Idaho and knows tons of people in our family. He knows Sherwood and Georgia. He used to work for Phillip. He knew Shelby. He knows Trent and says he’s one of his brother's best friends. He knows Paul and Linda. So there ya go. Cool.

Update on people:

T--: She broke up with I--, which I told you last week, but now she is engaged to someone new! It's super fast, but she seems happy, so that is good. She said she prayed about it as well, so there you go.

K--: We met her in City Center, and she had two sweet daughters and said we could meet with her. We've seen her twice. She is such a good investigator. She understands our purpose. She understands that the decisions are hers to make, and that while we are there to teach her, it's up to her to make the decisions and do the reading. Ah! I love her. She has three kids who are so cute and love to play around! When we left the other day, one of them came and hugged me and then kissed me on the lips! Ah! It was so cute and was almost as good as being with nieces and nephews. Except not even close. :)

S--: We meet him in cafes and he buys us hot chocolate. He is so good though. He is the one who is humanist. He did the readings we gave him though about faith. He is really seeking to know. He also told us that when we've prayed, he's felt something really powerful. He says he doesn't feel it when he prays, but he does when we pray. So that's a good start, and we hope to get him having that feeling when he talks to God as well. I told him how exciting it is for us to see him growing in faith. I said it's exciting because we know that God exists and can do wonderful things for him. He told me he isn't as excited. :) What a funny lad.

Funny stories:

This cute lady lives next door to us, and she's always sitting watching the telly so we wave at her. When we were walking on our street, this lady stopped us and said, "You should know, the lady next door to you feels so bad because she has dementia and can't remember when she met you! So keep waving and being friendly but she doesn't actually know who you are." We failed to mention to this woman that we've actually never talked to her friend.

We went to Sister Smith this week, and she didn't wear her dentures. And that was funny. And we were painting a bathroom for another less active, and I think I got some paint in her dentures. Whoops.

We got a referral from the office because a man in our area was in Leeds and they stopped him and he gave them information. When we called him, it turns out he just gave his number and a fake name because he thought one of the sisters was cute. Hahahahaha.

We met this man on the street near the beginning of my mission, J--, and he was such a good guy and really seemed interested in our message. We got his address but he left before we got a number or anything. We couldn't find his address on a map and were sad that he had given us a fake one. But then we looked his address up on Mormon.org and it exists!!! So now we know where to find him. And we feel stupid that it'll be like 6 weeks later that we contact him. Oh well.  

Weekly planning is so long and our chairs are so hard that I am literally numb by the end of 3 hours. Love it! :)

We went by a less-active lady, M--, the other day and she was laying down so we went back another day. But the first time her painter came out to tell us she wasn't feeling very well. Apparently when we left he said, "That blonde girl is pretty!" and she said, "She can't have a boyfriend!" Ha. She is so funny and is always asking us about boys. She also pounded me in the sternum and told me she wanted us to sing "I am a Child of God." Well, there you go. And ouch, my sternum hurt.

So two incredible things happened this week.

We were with that sweet sister, Sister Smith, and we watched a Book of Mormon DVD on it, which has some Mormon Messages and part of the address by Jeffrey R. Holland. After the message, we weren't sure what to say. All of a sudden, I started talking. I've never felt anything like it. The Spirit was telling me what to say in the very second I needed it. It wouldn't tell me a second before so I could prepare. It just was in the very second. It was incredible. I read this week that experiences that require faith are entirely based on the kind of faith we have. I had faith that God could work through me, which is sometimes hard to have faith in when we've got to filter it through ourselves. But. I do have a testimony that if we work through things with whole and complete faith, whole and complete miracles will occur.

After this experience, we went into Edinburgh on Saturday night for the Adult Session of Stake Conference. All of the missionaries in the Edinburgh Zone went, because we sang the EFY Medley (classic, I know.) When we got up to the stage, I was standing there and I had to move because I was too tall for the pianist to see over my head to our chorister. I had to move and then move and move to the outside edge, second from the end. Pays to be tall. :) But that has nothing to do with anything. In the middle of the Stake Conference, which was absolutely incredible by the way, they announced the Rest Hymn. Then the man conducting said, "Now, after this hymn we will hear a testimony from a new missionary in the field, Sister Ricks." Ha! Can you believe that? Out of about 30 missionaries, they randomly picked me? I was so grateful to get to go and share my testimony with the Edinburgh Stake. I don't really even know what I said, but I do remember beginning with "Thank you for the unexpected opportunity to share my testimony." The Conference was all about missionary work, my favorite subject, so that was wonderful. It was pretty funny though. And all of the other missionaries were laughing right after they announced it, probably because they were just thrilled it wasn't them. I was grateful though. It was a good experience.

I've been thinking recently about layers. I feel that on my mission many layers of me are gone. Many aspects of my personality cannot exist. I don't quote movies, I don't talk about music (those are my choices, not in the handbook) I don't watch TV, I don't browse the Internet, I don't read fiction, I don't have a family to talk to on the phone. My entire life is focused around one goal, and while it is a good goal, it can be hard to be giving up so many things that I love. I feel that I am losing layers. But I know that by losing those layers, I am gaining a deeper layer of spirituality. It's like an onion. You peel away the things that are insignificant so you can get to the deeper stuff, the actual vegetable in the middle. I don't think that the other things I was doing were bad, not at all. But right now they would be. And so by losing something, I gain something deeper.

A few nights ago, Sister Nicoll said to me, "I want you to answer me honestly here. Do you feel like you've lost confidence as a missionary?" I answered her then, but have been thinking about it ever since. Absolutely I have lost confidence as a missionary. I have realized how little control I have. I can't control other's choices. I can't control other people coming to Christ. I can't control people coming to church, or making commitments, or making good choices, or just being nice. I am a mouthpiece meant to invite. If I weren’t a missionary here, somebody else would be. I know that I matter, but I don't think that God put me here because anybody specific needed me. If someone specific were prepared for the gospel, somebody would find them. Anyway, I don't have a ton of confidence in myself as a missionary because I know I could be doing so much better. I could be more obedient; I could be more spiritual; I could be talking to more people and be less nervous. But, even though I've lost confidence in myself, I have gained confidence in God. I know that He will help people and that it pains Him to see people break commitments with Him. I know that God can change hearts through the Spirit, even though I can't. So I've lost confidence in myself, but grown confidence in God. And I think that's okay.

Daniel sent me a talk when I first got here. It's about Ambiguity. And I think the message is wonderful, particularly when you look at it as being humble. Being humble means that you have confidence in God. Being humble means accepting that you have imperfections but that God can make you whole. Being humble is an essential characteristic of exaltation. So being humble and trusting God are so important.

Sorry for all the rambling! I love you all and think you are wonderful! I love being here. I love the country and the people and the branch and my companion. I know that I am growing a lot. I know that growing takes a lot of pain and discomfort. But I know that when painful things happen, God gives us the strength to overcome them. He has given me that strength. What a merciful Heavenly Father we have who allowed His Only Begotten Son to come down and feel all of the pain we ever will. How lucky we are to be in an eternal family. How lucky I am to be serving in the most beautiful country in the world. I am truly blessed.

Love,

Sister Ricks